Infertility. My Story.

I wasn't planning on writing this post today.

In fact, my "planned post" - the one I wrote last night - was about my favorite banana bread recipe.

But something in my gut said to just start writing this post and see where it takes me.

I recently stumbled across a blog that may just be the most open, honest, and sometimes heartbreaking story of a couple going through infertility. It's called "Don't Count Your Eggs" and can be found here: http://dontcountyoureggs.typepad.com/

For most of the readers of this blog, you know my history with infertility. But just in case you found me through Google or Instagram or another blog, I want to share just a snipet of my own story.

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After being married for a couple of years, my husband and I decided we had enjoyed our "DINKs" (Dual Income No Kids) lifestyle long enough and we were ready to start a family.

I went off the pill and expected to get pregnant within the next couple of months.

When that didn't happen, I was concerned, but not enough to seek out a specialist.

It just so happened that I was due for my annual pap smear and when I went in for my exam I explained to my OB/GYN that we had been trying to get pregnant for several months with no success. He was concerned and asked me a slew of questions. His initial diagnosis (without any testing, etc.) was that I probably had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. He referred me to a local fertility specialist and we started the tests.

He was right. My ovaries "looked like chocolate chip cookies" (I'll never forget the doctor telling me that!) and were covered in tiny cysts. She said that although it would be tougher than the average woman to get pregnant, she still thought my odds were good.

So we started on a drug similar to Clomid to try to boost my egg count, hoping that one of those little eggs would make it's way through the sea of cysts and become available for fertilization.

After just a couple of months, we were successful. Our story was one of minor set-backs, quick results and a very, very happy ending 9 months later when we I gave birth to our son, Payton.

About a year after Payton was born, we started talking about trying for another child. We knew we wanted them to be about 2 years apart, but thought it may take us longer to conceive the second time since I was getting older and there was a possibility that the cysts had multiplied in the past year.

Little did we know that it would take us 4 years of hardcore fertility treatments, emptying our bank account, borrowing money from our parents, risking the happiness of our marriage and family, and cause more heartache than I ever thought possible.

Finally 4 years later, after a multitude of fertility drug "cocktails", 6 failed Intrauterine Inseminations, and 1 failed round of In Vitro Fertilization, we just stopped. We decided we needed a break. And ya know what... I got pregnant.

Just like the stories you hear. I got pregnant all on my own! I was shocked! The doctor was shocked. The nurses at the fertility clinic were so happy and amazed. I think I took at least 5 at-home pregnancy tests. It almost didn't seem real.

The day that we went to the doctor's office to hear the heartbeat is a day I will never forget.

I've never in my life doubted God's love for me. But that day, I felt like He abandoned me.

I laid there on that exam table, holding Brian's hand so tightly as the nurse inserted the ultrasound wand into my uterus to hear the heartbeat. She searched and searched. I felt my heart start racing. I kept looking at the nurse's face just waiting for her to say, "OH... there it is, sorry about that."

But that never came.

She just looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry. There's no heartbeat."

I cried out  "GOD, WHY?!?! WHY?!?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS???!!!!!" in the most primal scream of my life.
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I went into a pretty bad depression. I cried for months. I didn't even want to think about trying again.

Then after a period of time, Brian gave me a book by Beth Moore called "Get out of that Pit."

It changed my life.

It gave me the courage to say, "Ya know what God... I'm mad. I'm mad that this happened to me. I feel betrayed and hurt."

And it showed me that God never left my side for one single minute.

He cried every tear with me. He held me in my deepest moments of despair. He carried me through those days when I didn't think I could get out of bed.

And the healing began.

It took me a while, but Brian and I decided that I needed to get my body back to "normal" without all the artificial hormones and drugs that I had been using for so many years.

I did some research and found a highly recommended acupuncturist named Carolyn Huffman.

She told me that she wanted to get my body back to a healthy baseline and then if we wanted, we could start trying to conceive again.

I wasn't sure I was ready, but after a few months of treatment, I felt so good. So healthy. So alive again.

Three months later, we conceived. And 9 months after that, we welcomed into the world our miracle baby, Parker.

It was 4 years of unimaginable pain and darkness. Mixed with the most amazing amount of love and support I've ever felt from family, friends and my husband.

Infertility is so common these days and affects so many women of all ages. I am so glad that there are so many more resources out there today to help women through the journey - both medically and emotionally.

I pray that if you - or someone you know - is going through infertility right now that you would just love on them. Pray for them. Let them know that you care and you're there to listen, even if you don't understand what they're going through.

Although I am done having children, I do not believe my journey of infertility is over. I hope that my experiences and my "story" continue to give hope to others and continue to prove that God's love is stronger than you can ever imagine. And even in your darkest hour...He is there.