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What comes to mind when I mention the words, "Marriage Counseling?"
Is it sadness? Embarrassment? Failure?
Or is it the opposite?
Does it evoke feelings of accomplishment? Renewal? Dare I even say, excitement?
In many families, if you decide to seek marriage counseling, you are made to feel like your relationship is falling apart. Like it's a "last ditch effort" before walking down the hall to the divorce lawyer's office.
Well, I'm here to debunk that myth.
Brian and I have been married for 13 1/2 years and we've sought marriage help from our Pastors, been to a certified marriage counselor, and attended many marriage retreats. And every time, we leave with better communication skills, revived feelings about the sacrament of marriage, and renewed excitement about our marriage.
Don't get me wrong, we don't skip down the hallway holding hands every day. Marriage is tough. Especially after a decade (or several decades as in our parents' cases) together. Things can get stale. Dull. Almost like you're living with a friendly roommate and not your spouse.
This is not how God intended for marriage to be.
And if your marriage has become more of a friendship and less of a husband-wife relationship, that's where marriage counseling can really benefit you.
Having a third person to help navigate the conversations is so important. They know the questions to ask to help get things back on the right track. They can make sure each person is not only being heard, but being understood. Because so often, after we say the same things over and over to our spouses, they start hearing the voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown "Waa Waa Waa Waa." That's not good.
In doing some research for this post, I came across a statistical study by a large national law firm that specializes in divorce. Here are their top 5 reasons that people get divorced:
1. Lack of communication. This is one of the major reasons why divorce happens. Distance is created quickly if you don’t share your feelings, don’t tell your partner what’s happening, and keep your feelings to yourself. A successful relationship constantly keeps the lines of communication open.
2. Finances. Money talks and can make your life better or in some cases worse than you were. If money becomes a consistent topic of disagreement, the road to divorce is certain.
3. Feeling constrained. You may feel your marriage is holding you back from achieving goals and taking opportunities. If your partner can’t support you, then they don’t support the marriage.
4. Trust. Do you really trust your spouse? Trust is one of the leading factors in having a successful relationship and marriage. Your marriage is unlikely to survive if you don’t trust your spouse.
5. Expectations from each other. When expectations aren’t met, it can put a strain on the relationship. This leads to a personality conflict because one or the other spouse won’t bend to sacrifice their time and comfort.
Happy marriages with strong communication and a healthy sex life do not end in divorce. They just don't.
But if you aren't able to achieve these things on your own, a marriage counselor can most likely help you to do so. And there ain't no shame in my game when it comes to telling people that when we hit rough spots in our marriage we seek professional help.
In 2009, after enduring years of painful and failed fertility treatments, I finally got pregnant, and then ten weeks later, I had a miscarriage, I went through a period of deep depression.
In my mind, felt like Brian moved on from the miscarriage far quicker than he should have because I was still deep in my grief.
I cried myself to sleep many nights. It was bad. I felt angry at him. I felt betrayed. I felt so alone. All the while, Brian hadn't done a single thing "wrong," he just didn't understand why I was still so sad all the time.
So our pastor suggested we see a Christian marriage counselor. And I'm so glad we did.
It wasn't a magical "cure." Things didn't improve instantly. But having that counselor sit in front of us and say the words, "Brian, Stacy needs you to be with her. Be with her in her grief. Be with her in her sadness. Be with her."
It changed everything.
That counselor was able to communicate to Brian the words that I could not come up with on my own.
I just sat there are cried my eyes out because I felt such a sense of relief. Finally, we were starting to understand each other again. And that day, a real healing began in my heart, and our marriage stood strong through the toughest time of our lives.
Most recently, our marriage counselor moved and started his own church, so we needed to find a new professional. We talked to our pastor and he recommended a local Christian marriage counselor for us. We weren't embarrassed to ask for a recommendation. We know that in the end, it is something to be proud of. We are doing something to make our marriage stronger.
We want to have a healthy, strong marriage. We want to set an example for our kids. We want to continue to legacy that our parents, and their parents, set for us.
Our marriage is far from perfect - no one's is. And once we can all accept this and set realistic expectations in our relationships, marriages could grow so much stronger.
I love my husband even more today than the day we got married. It's interesting the way tragedies and celebrations, and all the up's and down's of life, can bring two people closer than we ever thought possible. God is good.
If you gain nothing else from this post, I hope that you'll walk away with the knowledge that there's nothing to be embarrassed about if you seek out marriage counseling. Quite the opposite! You should be proud that you're doing something to make your marriage stronger and better. Kudos to you.
Thanks for reading this post. If you have any suggestions for future topics, please leave me a comment and let me know. And since I like to leave things on a happy note...
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