Some Thoughts On Marriage

This year, Brian and I will celebrate our 13th year of marriage.

And despite the fact that "13" is supposed to be an unlucky number, I happen to feel particularly lucky to be celebrating 13 years.

Not because our marriage is always roses and rainbows - trust me, it's not - but because my generation takes marriage a lot less seriously than generations of the past.


It's so much more common today for couples to decide they are headed for divorce, instead of being willing to see-it-through the not-so-great times in order to get back to what attracted them together in the first place.

Our pastor spoke about marriage last Sunday, and I wanted to share some of his thoughts because even if no one reading this blog needs to hear this, I know I will want to re-read this again at some point and I'll know exactly where to find it!

I hope you will take a moment to read through these quick notes, and then I'll share our own personal "story" at the end...


The theme of the sermon was baseball. He broke down marriage into 4 "Seasons," and then explained why it's worth fighting for your marriage, even when times are tough.

Here are the seasons:

1. The season of "Infatuation." (Spring Training)
This is when there is excitement and optimism for the relationship. You both want to do your best to impress the other one.
The hormones are raging and the "love" that is felt is often times blinding us to reality.
The important thing to acknowledge is...this season is NOT sustainable.
There is no relationship that can live in this "infatuation" season forever. It doesn't see you through the next 30 years.

2. The season of "Reality." (All-Star Break)
The reality season reveals, what infatuation concealed.
We start noticing each others "bad habits." We see each others faults.
Resentment can begin to creep in and we start thinking, "There's something better out there."
This is the most difficult season to get through without giving up.

3. The season of "Re-commitment." (The Surge to the Playoffs)
This season tests your character.
You have to decide to stick it through and re-commit to the marriage.
There has to be a mutual submission in this season, where both spouses are willing to make allowances for each others faults/mistakes/past hurts, etc.
"Each man must love his wife as he does himself, and the wife must respect her husband." - Ephesians 5:33

4. The season of "Blessing." (The Playoffs)
If you can make it through the difficult years - whether its raising a family and the challenges that come with that, or years of financial struggle, or health problems (or all three!) - there is a reward at the other end.
God wants to bless marriages. He wants to bless husbands and wives. He wants to give us peace, prosperity and health. God truly rewards those who commit to their marriage and put Him at the center of it.

Our Story...

Brian and I met in college. I was a senior and he was a junior. It was one of the most unstable times of my life.
I had been dating a guy off and on since high school. He was a wonderful man, but we were not meant to spend our lives together. And as much as we tried to make things work, all we ever did was end up fighting.
So when I met Brian, he was so different from the guy I had been dating, he was totally mezmerizing to me.
I immediately feel into the infatuation season. Hard.

Fast forward three years and we were standing at the alter in front of all our friends and family committing to spending the rest of our lives together.
It seems so incredible to me now, that at that tender age of 25 I was ready to make that kind of commitment. In reality, I probably wasn't. But I was head-over-heels in love and totally infatuated with him, that I would have done whatever it took to be able to sleep in the same bed with him and wake up next to him every single day.

The first few years were wonderful.
We were both making great money.
We bought a house.
We bought cars.
Life was good.

Then we tried to start a family.
It took a lot longer than we expected, but we were eventually successful.

Then everything started to get tough.
I didn't recognize it while we were going through it. But looking back now, I can see the beginning of the "Season of Reality."

We moved to Tampa when I was pregnant with our first child.
We left everything we knew - my parents, our friends, our church - in Orlando.
We didn't know a soul.
It was an incredibly lonely time for me.
Then we had sweet Payton.
He was perfect. He was my world.
I focused everything on him, and very little on my husband... who was now also dealing with a crashing housing market and losing most of our income.

Brian and I were living under the same roof together, and yet we were so alone.
He didn't want to worry me about the finances, and I didn't want to tell him how miserable I was without my friends and family.

Fast forward a few years and we started trying for baby #2.

Fast forward 4 years of bank-breaking fertility treatments, emotionally-draining medical procedures, a completely bottomed-out housing market, having no money for anything, and desperate for the "black cloud" to be lifted.

Then we got pregnant.

Then we lost the baby.

Then I slipped into depression.

No money. No pregnancy. A job hanging on by a thread. And a marriage that had been so difficult for so many years, we barely recognized it anymore.

Enter, the "Season of Recommitment."

We went to counseling. Initially for me, but turned out we needed it for the marriage.

I remember the counselor saying to Brian, "You need to BE with her. Not just listen. But BE there with her in her pain."

It was a real turning point for us.

We both decided we wanted to turn things around.

We were tired of the years of doctors telling us when, how many times and what time of day to be "intimate." Our sex life had lost all of its luster.

We were done with trying to do life on our own. We needed a support system. We needed Christian friends and Godly counsel.

Fast forward another year and little Parker was born.

Fast forward a couple more years and the housing market has finally turned around and Brian now runs his own mortgage company.

Our life has stabilized. We've found our groove. We've found true happiness and joy with each other again. And we've found that we absolutely cannot make our marriage work unless God is at the center of it.

As I said, not every day is roses and rainbows. We have our fair share of arguments. He still does things that drive me NUTS (like rubbing his feet on the carpet or separating out his egg whites - sorry honey, I had to document that) and money doesn't come easy. But we know that despite the differences and annoyances and struggles, we're in it for the long haul.

I have no doubt that 13 years in, I love Brian so much more now than I did the day we got married. I never would have thought it possible back then. But I do. He is everything and more than I ever dreamed he would be back on that alter 13 years ago.

We want God to honor our marriage, because we're honoring Him through it.

We want the "Season of Blessing."

If you're looking for a great resource to start some healthy discussions in your own marriage, please take 10 minutes with your spouse and each of you take the Love Language Quiz by visiting this web site: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
If you find it valid, I encourage you to read the book, "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

And if you want to take it even further, I cannot tell you how important it is to plug into a small group at a local church with other married couples.
It is life-changing.
I promise you that.