Marriage & Family: Creating Harmony in the Home: MARRIAGE COUNSELING

This post is the second in the series "Marriage & Family: Creating Harmony in the Home." Today, I'm focusing on Marriage Counseling. If you have any topics you'd like me to address, please leave me a comment and let me know. :)

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What comes to mind when I mention the words, "Marriage Counseling?"

Is it sadness? Embarrassment? Failure?

Or is it the opposite?

Does it evoke feelings of accomplishment? Renewal? Dare I even say, excitement?

In many families, if you decide to seek marriage counseling, you are made to feel like your relationship is falling apart. Like it's a "last ditch effort" before walking down the hall to the divorce lawyer's office.

Well, I'm here to debunk that myth.

Brian and I have been married for 13 1/2 years and we've sought marriage help from our Pastors, been to a certified marriage counselor, and attended many marriage retreats. And every time, we leave with better communication skills, revived feelings about the sacrament of marriage, and renewed excitement about our marriage.

Don't get me wrong, we don't skip down the hallway holding hands every day. Marriage is tough. Especially after a decade (or several decades as in our parents' cases) together. Things can get stale. Dull. Almost like you're living with a friendly roommate and not your spouse.

This is not how God intended for marriage to be.

And if your marriage has become more of a friendship and less of a husband-wife relationship, that's where marriage counseling can really benefit you.

Having a third person to help navigate the conversations is so important. They know the questions to ask to help get things back on the right track. They can make sure each person is not only being heard, but being understood. Because so often, after we say the same things over and over to our spouses, they start hearing the voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown "Waa Waa Waa Waa." That's not good.

In doing some research for this post, I came across a statistical study by a large national law firm that specializes in divorce. Here are their top 5 reasons that people get divorced:

1. Lack of communication. This is one of the major reasons why divorce happens. Distance is created quickly if you don’t share your feelings, don’t tell your partner what’s happening, and keep your feelings to yourself. A successful relationship constantly keeps the lines of communication open.

2. Finances. Money talks and can make your life better or in some cases worse than you were. If money becomes a consistent topic of disagreement, the road to divorce is certain.

3. Feeling constrained. You may feel your marriage is holding you back from achieving goals and taking opportunities. If your partner can’t support you, then they don’t support the marriage.

4. Trust. Do you really trust your spouse? Trust is one of the leading factors in having a successful relationship and marriage. Your marriage is unlikely to survive if you don’t trust your spouse.

5. Expectations from each other. When expectations aren’t met, it can put a strain on the relationship. This leads to a personality conflict because one or the other spouse won’t bend to sacrifice their time and comfort.

Almost every one of these stems from proper communication! If we don't communicate to our spouse when we're feeling stressed about finances, or feeling constrained or feeling distrust... of course you would want out.

Happy marriages with strong communication and a healthy sex life do not end in divorce. They just don't.

But if you aren't able to achieve these things on your own, a marriage counselor can most likely help you to do so. And there ain't no shame in my game when it comes to telling people that when we hit rough spots in our marriage we seek professional help.

In 2009, after enduring years of painful and failed fertility treatments, I finally got pregnant, and then ten weeks later, I had a miscarriage, I went through a period of deep depression.

In my mind, felt like Brian moved on from the miscarriage far quicker than he should have because I was still deep in my grief.

I cried myself to sleep many nights. It was bad. I felt angry at him. I felt betrayed. I felt so alone. All the while, Brian hadn't done a single thing "wrong," he just didn't understand why I was still so sad all the time.

So our pastor suggested we see a Christian marriage counselor. And I'm so glad we did.

It wasn't a magical "cure." Things didn't improve instantly. But having that counselor sit in front of us and say the words, "Brian, Stacy needs you to be with her. Be with her in her grief. Be with her in her sadness. Be with her."

It changed everything.

That counselor was able to communicate to Brian the words that I could not come up with on my own.

I just sat there are cried my eyes out because I felt such a sense of relief. Finally, we were starting to understand each other again. And that day, a real healing began in my heart, and our marriage stood strong through the toughest time of our lives.

Most recently, our marriage counselor moved and started his own church, so we needed to find a new professional. We talked to our pastor and he recommended a local Christian marriage counselor for us. We weren't embarrassed to ask for a recommendation. We know that in the end, it is something to be proud of. We are doing something to make our marriage stronger.

We want to have a healthy, strong marriage. We want to set an example for our kids. We want to continue to legacy that our parents, and their parents, set for us.

Our marriage is far from perfect - no one's is. And once we can all accept this and set realistic expectations in our relationships, marriages could grow so much stronger.

I love my husband even more today than the day we got married. It's interesting the way tragedies and celebrations, and all the up's and down's of life, can bring two people closer than we ever thought possible. God is good.

If you gain nothing else from this post, I hope that you'll walk away with the knowledge that there's nothing to be embarrassed about if you seek out marriage counseling. Quite the opposite! You should be proud that you're doing something to make your marriage stronger and better. Kudos to you.

Thanks for reading this post. If you have any suggestions for future topics, please leave me a comment and let me know. And since I like to leave things on a happy note...

Marriage & Family: Creating Harmony in the Home - CHORES

This post is the second in the series "Marriage & Family: Creating Harmony in the Home." Today, I'm focusing on chores. Next week, I am addressing Marriage; the high's, the low's, and why no one should be embarrassed of Marriage Counseling.

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I believe chores are good for kids.

It teaches them that there's a lot of work that has to get done around the house, and helping out is just part of living under the same roof.

When I was growing up I can remember picking up dead oranges from under our orange trees, helping to weed the gardens, and then later as I got older, mowing the lawn.

This was the only way I was given "spending money" as a child. So even though I detested those chores, I did them so that I could ride my bike up to Rexall Drugstore, buy a tube of bubble gum flavored Lip Smackers, and a Teen Beat magazine - and possibly if I had earned enough that week - a Baskin Robbins ice cream cone next door.

I'm sure I didn't always face the chores with a smile from ear-to-ear, but I knew that I had to do them. No exception. No arguing. I just did them.

Now, my kids on the other hand... well... that's been a different story.

Sometimes, Payton will help collect the trash around the house without complaining. But when I would ask him to change the bunny's cage... whoh... you'd think I'd ask him to mop the entire house with his tongue.

Somehow, we let our 10-year old, become TEN YEARS OLD without a set chore list that he was expected to do every. single. week.

But, that's changed.

I want our kids to grow up being helpful, not lazy; feeling gracious, not spoiled; appreciative, not entitled.

So I did some research and I found a great online resource that inspired our new chore lists.

You can visit Simply Kierste's awesome blog for a great list of age-appropriate chores for kids. It goes from 2 years old all the way up 15 and older. Of course some of her ideas didn't fit our family, but I'm sure the same will go for you when you see Payton's chore list.

Just consider both of them guidelines to help kick-start some ideas.

Okay, so with all of that said, here is Payton's new Chore Chart (the actual printed version is much cuter with fonts and colors, but I couldn't figure out how to embed the Word document):

Payton's Chore Chart

Every day:

• ·         Make bed
• ·         Put away clean clothes
• ·         Tidy up room – e.g. NOTHING on the floor
• ·         Wash breakfast & dinner dishes and put in dishwasher
• ·         Empty lunchbox, place dirty containers in dishwasher
• ·         Put all homework materials away and hang up backpack
• ·         Practice guitar 15 minutes

Tuesday & Friday mornings:

• ·         Collect trash from all trashcans into kitchen trash and then take to outside garbage bin
• ·         Replace garbage bag in kitchen

When asked:

• ·         Set table for dinner
• ·         Help unload dishwasher
• ·         Collect dirty laundry from all laundry bins and bring to laundry room
• ·         Take garage garbage bins down to driveway

* If all of these chores are being done on a consistent basis, you can earn 45 minutes of daily computer time.

* Should you have a bad attitude about completing any of your chores, you immediately lose your computer time for that day (or the following day if you’ve already been playing).

* If you want to earn additional computer time (more than 45 minutes) you can do the following:

• ·         Play with Parker (his choice of non-electronic game) for 20 minutes
• ·         Read to Parker for 15 minutes
• ·         Clean the wood floors with spray and dry mop
• ·         Clean toilets and sink areas in BOTH bathrooms (if needed) 

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As I said, some of these may work for your family, and some may not. It's just an example to help give you an idea of what we're doing.

So far, Payton seems very open to it. And to be completely honest, the hardest part has been remembering to let Payton do these chores and not do them myself! Seriously! I am so used to going around and collecting all the garbage on Tuesday mornings, that I just do it without thinking. I have to remind myself that it's now his chore. It's quite freeing actually.

And I know that by having him help out around the house he has a greater appreciation of what I do all day long (which is not sit on the couch eating bon-bons by the way). ;)

Gracious, not spoiled; appreciative, not entitled; helpful, not lazy. That's our goal.

I hope this helps you create some new responsibilities for your own kiddos, and if you have any questions or comments, please leave them below. I love hearing from ya!

Marriage & Family: Creating Harmony In The Home

This is the first installment in a new series titled "Marriage & Family: Creating Harmony In The Home", which will address some new strategies we are implementing in our household to help create a more organized, grateful, happy environment for both our family and our marriage.

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"I just think both of our kids are at difficult ages right now, wouldn't you agree?" said my husband recently.

"Yes. I do agree, indeed."

We've been having a lot of these discussions lately in our house.

Our kids have pretty much always been "easy" kids in the grand scheme of things.

We are extremely blessed that they fall in the "healthy" classification of medical standards for the most part. Yes, we deal with some serious eczema sometimes and most recently some tricky ear infections, but nothing some common medications can't treat.

They are also very bright kids. And most importantly, they are Christ-following, loving boys, that have sweet, tender hearts.

But recently... we've had our hands full.

Temper tantrums from our 4-year old that could rival the most epic of meltdowns. We now call him our "Strong-Willed Child."

And laziness and ungratefulness from our 10-year old that make me want to pull my hair out by the handful. The pre-teen years are upon us and the attitude needs to be taken care of now before the real-deal teenage years hit.

I love my children with every ounce of my being. But when they are being disrespectful, disagreeable, dishonest, or any of the other negative "dis" words you can think of... I am not the best mom I can be. I snap at them, I raise my voice at them, I throw out empty threats like, "If you don't come brush your teeth right now, you won't have any sweets for a WEEK!" It's just not pretty.

But what we recently discovered is that not only is their behavior impacting the way our family is functioning, it's impacting our marriage.

Brian and I got into a heated discussion about the kids and their poor behavior and how "this irritates me" and "he keeps doing this" and "why does he feel he's entitled to so-and-so" and it didn't end on a happy note. We didn't get anything resolved and we both ended up mad.

So, what's the solution (in addition to a LOT of prayer)?

Well, we're starting small and making some changes that I believe will make a difference in our household. If nothing else, they are changes that will make me a happier mom, and make our kids more appreciative and grateful... which I think will in turn, change their behaviors.

And just in case you may be dealing with a little of this in your own household, I wanted to share our experiences with you in hopes of helping out other families along the way.

First up...a morning "Checklist."

Last year, Brian read a book titled "The Checklist Manifesto: How To Get Things Right" by Atul Gawande. Ever since then he has implemented numerous - highly effective - checklists in his business. It has made a huge difference in the efficiency and accuracy of how things run in his office.
So, he suggested that we implement the same strategy in our home.

Often times in the morning, we would start the day off on a bad note when Payton would finish breakfast and then lounge around, play with Parker, or sneak off to play on electronics (even though he's not supposed to before school) only to discover 2 minutes before heading out the door that his reading log wasn't filled in, or his bed wasn't made, or he had dirty clothes on his floor, etc., etc. which would send us all into a tailspin.

Not the way I'd like to start our day.

So now, he has a "Morning Checklist" laminated and stuck to his bedroom wall for him to make sure he completes every single item on the list before he can do anything else. And let me tell you, it's made such a difference!

I can simply say, "Have you completed everything on your list? Go check."

And that's it.

Not a million reminders. Followed by nagging. Followed my raised voices. Followed by attitude and eye-rolling (my least favorite, by the way).

Now, I realize that every household is different, and what works for us, may not work for you. Your child's morning checklist might look very different from mine.

However, if your first reaction is to say, "My child would never clean up their room every morning!" maybe that's because you've never set that expectation for him/her. All of our kids are capable of doing these things. We just have to set those expectations and encourage them that they can do it.

Trust me, putting some of the work back on them (especially when they're 10 years old) is plenty fair and is very healthy for them. It teaches them responsibility and accountability.

That being said, here is Payton's "Morning Checklist":

I wish I could be a fly on the wall... or in your brain right now to know what you're thinking.

But trust me... you're kids CAN do this, if they aren't already doing so.

We get Payton out of bed at 6:45 a.m. and he doesn't leave until 7:30 a.m. so in 45 minutes he has plenty of time to do all of this.

Of course this is just one strategy that we are implementing right now to help create harmony in our home.

Wanna know the rest?

Well... you'll have to tune in next time!

Sorry for the cliffhanger ending, but this post is already long enough and it's going to take me some time to right up the next one as well.

I can give you this hint though... it's a chore list. And it's a good one!

I have an awesome online resource for age-appropriate chores for every age. It's really helpful, so make sure you come back for the next installment of this post series.

In the meantime, sit down and create a little "morning checklist" for your kids or yourself and see if it makes your weekdays run a little smoother. I bet you it will!